Spurious News: Trump sends the Vatican a list of demands for the next pope
THE HOLY SEE (Spurious News Network).-- Immediately after Pope Francis' tragic death on April 21, 2025, the White House transmitted to the Roman Catholic Church a list of demands for the new pope if the Church expects to remain in President-for-Life Trump's favor.
We publish the message in its entirety.
- - - - -
To the hell-bound phony Catholic Church:
I like popes that don't die in office. Since you didn't have one, the next pope must meet all my demands if the Catholic Church doesn't want to be shut down by DOGE to save money to fund my next round of tax cuts.
First, the pope must not be a member of the dying fake Catholic Church. There are nothing but losers in that church and you need winners. I demand that Shirley Phelps-Roper, a great Christian, someone who loves everyone as your dead pope never did, and a true friend of mine, be given the job.
Second, your disgusting excuse for a so-called church must end its DEI efforts immediately. You must immediately fire all your women priests and make sure they are replaced with white men from America. Further, all your black, Mexican and other nations' priests must be kicked out of the church right away.
Third, the church must sell or tear down all its fancy buildings and meet only in abandoned warehouses.
Fourth, the College of Cardinals must immediately be shut down for being woke and everyone enrolled in it be sent to a prison in El Salvador. Everyone knows the Cardinals are a terrible baseball team. They're just awful, even worse than the Cubs who have always been horrible. Replace them with the College of Yankees, who are the greatest team to ever play the game.
Fifth, priests must stop wearing dresses to work like they do and instead wear suits like preachers in real religions do. If they don't, our Anti Trans Police will arrest them anywhere in the world they are trying to show innocent children that wearing dresses is something men do.
Sixth, I order the not-real Catholic Church to melt down all the gold it owns and turn it into a statue of Donald Trump standing next to a calf.
Seventh, the bullshit church you run must immediately stop any teaching that Jesus kicking the money changers out of the temple was a good thing, and instead teach that Jesus got crucified to death for interfering with all-American free enterprise.
Eighth, we demand the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel be painted white to get rid of all the woke pictures scribbled up there by a so-called artist who couldn't get a job doing anything useful like mowing my golf courses.
Ninth, you will change the name of your false religion from the Roman Catholic Church to the American Catholic Church.
And tenth, you will name Donald Trump the Patron Saint of Business as no one has ever been a better businessman than me.
Unless all these things are done we will not allow the fake religion called the Catholic Church to do business in the United States, and we will end all military aid to the Vatican.
Do it or else. Signed, Everyone's Favorite President Donald J. Trump.
- - - - -
Monsignor Carl Edwards, a member of Pope Francis' personal staff, put his head in his hands when he read this. "Please tell me," Monsignor Edwards said, "meeting that idiot's vice president didn't give Pope Francis the stroke that killed him."
= new reply since forum marked as read
