Unpopular Pete Hegseth Forced To Drink Lunch Alone

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday.

According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers who quickly turned away from him to avoid making eye contact. After locating an empty table in an isolated corner, Hegseth is said to have sat down and begun slowly unloading a brown paper sack that concealed a 750-milliliter bottle of Dewar’s White Label blended scotch, a 12-ounce Miller Lite, and an airplane-sized nip of Fireball for dessert.

“Well, I guess I’m on my own today,” said Hegseth, standing out in stark contrast to the rest of the cafeteria’s occupants, who sat packed around tables chatting enthusiastically with their colleagues. “I was really hoping to be able to hang out with all my awesome friends at the Department of Defense today, but there was only one seat left, and they told me they were saving it for someone else.”

“It’s no big deal, though. I actually wanted to sit alone,” Hegseth added. “But if anyone needs a seat, these chairs are totally open.”

https://theonion.com/unpopular-pete-hegseth-forced-to-drink-lunch-alone/

[underpants]

1. an airplane-sized nip of Fireball for dessert.

[Hekate]

6. Tiny bottles, poor guy

[3auld6phart]

2. Change

Your shirt. You’ve drooled ont.

[republianmushroom]

3. You don't look to good there Pete,

just saying. And it is only noon. Poor little Peter.

[Polybius]

4. Seems from the replies that people don't know this is The Onion

[WinstonSmith4740]

13. Sadly, in these times...

I'm usually at least half way through articles like this before I start to think, "This must be The Onion". What's even worse are there have been times I was wrong.

[LuckyLib]

5. I have to get part way through before i look to see if it's

Borowitz or the Onion. What a crazy experience this all is!

[Demovictory9]

7. Lol

[bucolic_frolic]

8. There's a Whiskey Rebellion joke in there somewhere. /nt

[LetMyPeopleVote]

9. I love the onion

[John1956PA]

10. I should be ashamed to admit this, but I bought a bottle of Dewar's White Label this year.

Lately, I have been telling my friends and family members that I am not going to buy anymore inexpensive whiskey. I am going to go with upper shelf, since I drink very little anyway.

I do not buy gin, which Hegseth has said is his favorite alcohol.

Overindulgence of alcohol is dreadful. If Hegseth has an active alcohol abuse problem, he should resign his position as Secretary of DoD and seek treatment.

[surfered]

11. 🤣

[rurallib]

12. he tried to text some folks on Signal, but no one would respond

except for some guy in St. Petersburg, Russia