White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body

[milestogo]

Published: August 26, 2025

WASHINGTON—As they called attention to his alarmingly sallow complexion and rapidly deteriorating brain function, White House officials sought to quell speculation Monday over the bruising on President Donald Trump’s right hand by dismissing it as one of the least concerning parts of his body. “The discoloration on the president’s hand is superficial and no cause for worry—in fact, it is probably one of his healthiest anatomical regions,” said White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, adding that the president’s doctors remain focused on far more urgent health issues, including his grossly bloated midsection, complete lack of bowel control, and hunched-over posture suggestive of a decomposing torso.

“Rest assured, his hand is not what’s going to keep him from fulfilling his duties to the American people. Honestly, if all you are seeing is photos, you don’t even know about the stench. That will stick in your nightmares forever. There’s so much gas trapped under the president’s skin that we are praying he doesn’t rupture.” Officials confirmed the hand would be iced to alleviate the bruising, while the rest of his body would be “lightly embalmed.”

https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-trump-hand-bruise-as-least-concerning-part-of-body/

Satire, kinda sorta

[Ocelot II]

1. Leave it to The Onion...

[dweller]

2. Well , of course they are ...

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