BREAKING NEWS: White House designates Bigfoot as a domestic terrorist organization
Citing violence and civil unrest in cities such as Portland and Chicago, the Trump administration designated the legendary cryptid creature Bigfoot—also known as Sasquatch—as the “number one domestic terrorism threat today for the American people.”
The decision was announced at a joint press conference this morning attended by Attorney General Pam Bondi, FBI Director Kash Patel, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem and several conservative social media influencers.
“Let there be no mistake about it,” Attorney General Bondi said. “These Bigfoot, er, Bigfeet?—and honestly, we haven’t yet decided on the proper nomenclature—that roam the forests and mountains of the Pacific Northwest are the sole reason that cities like Portland are the lawless hellscapes that you see on the news.”
“You may think Bigfoot are shy, harmless and evasive creatures that merely wish to be left alone in nature,” Secretary Noem added. “That is anything but the truth. These are vicious, bloodthirsty monsters that hate traditional American values and will tear your head off the very moment they see you.”
Less clear was how the purported existence of Bigfoot had any impact whatsoever on crime rates or civil unrest, but FBI Director Patel offered his own personal theory.
“For years, the people of Portland have lived with tales of Bigfoot lurking high in the hills above their city,” Patel explained. “That type of daily psychological terror the public has been subjected to has had an undeniable impact on the collective psyche, causing many people to snap and act out in the most violent and unlawful of ways.”
The administration officials provided testimonials from people who claim to have been victims of Bigfoot.
“I have been attacked by Bigfoot on a near daily basis,” conservative blogger Andy Ngo told the gathered media. “There isn’t a morning where I haven’t stepped outside my door only to see those beady little eyes staring right back at me, waiting to chase me, maul me, dox me, try to devour me and otherwise have its way with me. All simply because I have dared to speak out about the growing evils of socialism in America.”
Besides the Sasquatch creatures themselves, the Trump administration also seeks to target those who in their words “harbor support or sympathy for the Bigfoot population in America, or who hold views similar to that of Bigfoot.”
“Those who are Bigfoot-oriented in this country, take note,” Bondi warned. “This includes hikers. Naturalists. Anyone over 6 foot 6. Men with unruly back hair. Subaru Outback drivers. Harry and the Hendersons star John Lithgow. Tread very carefully, because the Department of Justice will be watching you every single step you make.”
Administration officials also stated that Bigfoot’s reach extended far beyond Portland and the Pacific Northwest.
“We have a strong belief that much of the violence you see in Chicago can be attributed to the Big Muddy Monster lurking in Illinois,” Patel said. “The Skunk Ape of the Florida Everglades, the Ohio Grassman, Momo the Monster…there isn’t a square mile left in this beautiful country that isn’t threatened by the hairy reach of these terrifying, abominable creatures.”
Even more concerning, officials claimed, was that Bigfoot may not simply be a domestic phenomenon but rather tied to a larger, global organization.
“Strong evidence suggests that Bigfoot may be connected to a group of apelike creatures originating out of Central Asia known as The Yeti,” Noem stated. “Not to be confused with the camping supply company, of course. Which is lovely.”
In the meantime, Trump officials vowed to crack down on all Bigfoot-related activities and did not rule out expanding its efforts to other well-known cryptids.
“The Jersey Devil, El Chupacabra, Mothmen, the Flatwoods Monster, Big Goose—your day of reckoning is coming, too,” Bondi warned. “Any shadowy creature of the dark that dares to strike fear into the hearts of ordinary God-loving Americans will be defeated at all possible costs. For this is the very reason that the Department of Justice still exists in this country today.”
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