Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids Has Ketamine

[milestogo]

Published: May 27, 2026

SATIRE, I THINK

STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to see if any of his 13 kids had ketamine. “Hey kids, it’s Dad, I’ve just been crashing out hard and need a few bumps of K to get me to the end of the week if you have any hookups,” wrote Musk, who was said to be pale and shaking as he frantically typed out the requests to his children, aged 1 to 22 years, in a chat group he had labeled “Kids?” “Really need to take a trip to the vet if you know what I mean. That’s ketamine, I need ketamine.

I’ll pay twice what you normally get if you can get here in a few hours, you know I’m good for it. I can meet you out front of the base by the Astropub. My normal guy disappeared in the Gulf over the weekend and none of your mommies are responding and I’ve been sweating like a factory drone and haven’t slept for three days. Strider? Y? I’ll settle for some coke if that’s all you got. I’ve got a bunch of numbers in here I assume are all of you. There are 11 of you right?” At press time, reports confirmed Musk had promised to “add a zero” to the trust fund of the first child who responded to his pleas.

https://theonion.com/elon-musk-hits-up-text-thread-to-see-if-any-of-his-13-kids-has-ketamine/