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Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia
Published: May 27, 2026
SATIRE, I THINK
WASHINGTON—Proudly declaring that the exam revealed what he had known all along, President Donald Trump boasted Wednesday that his annual physical turned up no signs of pedophilia. “The doctors gave me the most thorough pedophilia testing you can get, and I’m totally clean,” said Trump, who claimed he had not only tested negative on pedophilia blood and urine tests but had also consistently pointed to pictures of adults when asked which persons of various ages he was sexually attracted to. “The doctors said they’d never examined someone with so little pedophilia, and they know exactly what to look for. Of course, the fake news is going to believe whatever they want to about me, even though Obama never took this test. Gee, I wonder why!” At press time, doctors cautioned that the results cited by Trump dealt exclusively with prepubescent girls and that more testing was required to confirm the initially concerning findings regarding girls ages 12 to 17.
https://theonion.com/trump-boasts-annual-physical-turned-up-no-signs-of-pedophilia/