I've been estranged from my older sibling for 13 years.

[LuckyCharms]

No fault of my own.

I was caretaker for my mother as she slowly passed away.

My sibling washed her hands of my mother well before her death, and my mom's death brought out their resentment for me providing her aid.

Sibling literally turned their back on me and walked away the moment my mom died.

I have USPS informed delivery, and I see that I am getting a handwritten letter today in the mail from my sibling.

This is not what I need right now.

I'm probably getting this letter because I've been helping out their daughter, without speaking to my sibling.

Turning your back on a person...walking away from them...can destroy them. Literally and actually. You're left there looking into a smoking crater, wondering what the fuck happened.

I don't know why people do what they do. Why people just...discard human beings.

This is likely going to trigger the fuck out of me. It's off to the races in the mental health derby.

[Ritabert]

1. Don't blame yourself. Sometimes you need to step back from toxic relationships.

We haven't spoken to my husband's brother in years. He turned his back on us for
some unknown reason and we went along with it. We don't need negativity at this point.

[LuckyCharms]

2. I've been trying to reconcile this for a long time.

I'm sorry to read about your Brother-In-Law. I am.

I think that when you can no longer provide people...something...something they need...whether it be a laugh, comfort, money, an ear to listen...whatever...

They tend to throw you away.

[Ritabert]

7. He insulted us to our faces for no reason and that was it.

[LuckyCharms]

8. That's how it happens.

I'll go to my grave trying to understand it.

[Ritabert]

9. And now we're conserving money due to Trump

...so we're not traveling 2000 miles to make up.

[LuckyCharms]

11. Mine is only 190 miles...

so I guess I'm going.

[Ritabert]

18. I guess it's worth a try at that distance.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I am so sorry to hear this, my dear LuckyCharms . . .

Lean on us, your friends.

We will hold you and keep you as safe as we can.

[LuckyCharms]

4. Thank you...Dear Peggy.

I'm an old man...and I just want a hug from my mom. That's all I want.

I guess there's things you never get over.

[underpants]

5. First of all, thank you for what you've done. You stood on the higher ground

As you probably know I recently lost my older brother. There were years where we were distant mostly, I’m sorry to say, because I was avoiding more instant dramas I had to take care of, from sudden moves to taking him in a couple of times.

I dreaded the call BUT I knew I’d have to go. I had to. He’s my brother. Hell, I basically helped him move into a tent city in the woods. My wife and I and my Mom agreed we just can’t take him in anymore.

I had to. The man in the mirror don’t lie.

[LuckyCharms]

6. Underpants...

I've been thinking about you.

And your relationship with your brother.

My sibling is dying of cancer.

I'm going to have to go too.

I have to live with myself.

I'm going to have to go see them before they die.

[underpants]

16. ❤️

[electric_blue68]

50. Strength to you, LC.

I figured it might be bad news.

[marble falls]

10. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Sometimes we have to throw our hands up, turn and walk away. ...

... my biggest worry is what she is throwing at her daughter because of your help.

The best we do with people sometimes is when we avoid irretrievable relationships. It's a good thing your niece has you to depend on.

[LuckyCharms]

12. I've been up all night trying to figure out niece's taxes...

because of a big life change for her.

Then I open my emails this morning and see this letter coming...

I can't...

[marble falls]

13. Then don't. Delete it. Your peace of mind is much more valuable than the artificial social convention of having to ...

... read all nonspam emails. It hasn't helped up to now, why would it be helpful now? If it were rapprochement news from her, email isn't the way to convey it, right?

[LuckyCharms]

14. I just opened the letter...

It's an old picture of me with one of my departed dogs.

Along with a prayer card and some encouraging words because they got word I am suffering with shingles.

I don't know yet if I will respond.

Edit to add...it's a snail mail letter.

[LisaM]

21. That sounds like an attempt at a peace offering.

Maybe a bit clumsy, but it does sound like an attempt. (Of course, I don't know your sibling and maybe it's something coded that I wouldn't understand).

[LuckyCharms]

23. It is an attempt.

I'm trying to figure out if I have it in me to forgive.

I don't know how to forgive someone who deserted you, or their parent, in their time of need.

There's a song lyric "Forgiveness is nifty, but enough's enough".

[niyad]

29. See post 26. You are a far kinder soul than I am, though.

[marble falls]

43. Always say 'thankyou!'. They never know what to say past 'you're welcome', and smoothly, you walk away.

[Skittles]

49. can you have someone else read it

and advise whether or not it is worth your attention

[ZDU]

15. Choices

You can always choose not to open the letter...

If you are a person of faith, place the unopened letter into your book of sacred text. Turn it over to the workings of your Higher Power

[Tesha]

17. Could you have someone else read it?

And just give you any pertinent info from it?


Then the guilt or shame or whatever will be blunted.
Sorry for the hurt, I understand it perfectly.

[LittleGirl]

19. My sister and I haven't spoken in a decade

I sent her a birthday card last month. Her birthday is 3 days after mine. She's 71 now. She's had a stroke and moved from FL to CO in 2024 so I got her new address from her daughter who unfriended me afterwards.

Her only son called me out of the blue about 2 years ago and we spoke and shared love. He's in his 40s. She found out he talked to me and nearly disowned him for it. I haven't heard from him since. He contacted me and said she was furious that we spoke.

She's my only (half) sister and my hubby has been so kind. He said, she's a grown woman. If she hates you, let it go.

I sent an olive branch to connect several times including the birthday card. She hasn't responded.

[DUgosh]

51. Your husband is right

Let it go
I’ve walked in those shoes - embrace the new family you choose

[LittleGirl]

54. Thanks. Appreciated. nt

[NNadir]

20. I used to get letters from my brother to whom I haven't spoken now for 30 years.

Apparently they included pictures of his latest wedding to his latest child bride with statements of their mutual devotion to Jesus or whatever.

I wouldn't know. My wife read some of them. I didn't. She let me know they were weird but not worth reading.

You can do what you want but:

My advice is not to read the letter. It can do nothing for you other than make you upset.

The letters from my brother stopped coming. I don't know if it's because he's dead or because he gave up. It may sound cold, but I don't know which it is, and in the end I don't care. My reserve of forgiveness is empty. I'm not the man my father was. His reserve never emptied but mine did.

[kimbutgar]

22. My older sister hasn't talked to me in 2 years

In January of 2024 I told her she needed to do more with her life than smoke pot and sit home with her cat all day. She’ has a great personality and her a hole husband who died in 2017 left her financially comfortable. I thought she’d be more active and not just shop for clothes when she doesn’t go out socially much. She has friends on Facebook who message me saying they’d love to be social with her. She hated our Mother who was outgoing and social. I am similar but I still like to work and am outgoing. Our mother left us both a house one was our family home and the other our grandfathers home he left to our parents. She left me this awful voicemail saying I stole her inherited home which I collect the rents, deal with tenant and pay insurance and property taxes. The house is in her name but she has never taken the initiative to deal with it. I called her recently and it goes to voicemail. She had a medical emergency in 2019 that caused her to lose her drivers license and my mother’s old caregivers drive her to stores and doctors appointment. I contacted the caregiver and was told she was ok but wanted no contact with me.

I feel your pain!

[LuckyCharms]

25. Sorry to hear this.

Things go sideways when it comes to inheritances.

My mom died broke, but I had a few thousand of hers saved up in my name.

I was accused of stealing that money, when in actuality, her final expenses caused me to spend it down to zero, and then contribute about $5K of my own money to settle everything out. They refused to help me financially, even though they are well off.

[live love laugh]

24. You're not destroyed you're a survivor. ❣️

[niyad]

26. Just to remind you that your DU family is here for you, so lean as hard

as you need.. Unless your idiot sibling is offering genuine contrition, apologies, etc., why would you put yourself out for them? You have more than enough on your plate right now without any added stress. Yes, I am one ice-hearted bitch when it comes to people like your sibling. And my nasty, cynical, suspicious nature inclines me to think she wants something from you. Please just take care of yourself, and be very cautious.

[LuckyCharms]

38. Niyad, for years, I've always felt that if I am...

not on top of my game...if I am not funny, or giving, or if I need something...it's fuck you. Two siblings did this to me when my mom died, and it kind of made me paranoid about losing people.

The one sibling who did not do this to me, my brother, died a few years ago.

It shaped me for the worse.

I think people who dump you when you are needy are reflecting their own short comings back onto you.

It's ridiculous.

[niyad]

39. Huggggggggs. Just remember that you are enough, exactly as you are. And

Last edited Sat Nov 1, 2025, 02:03 PM - Edit history (1)

remember that you are loved here for exactly who you are. I wish I could give you some of my ice, because it is hard to see you so unsettled and hurting.

[LuckyCharms]

41. Oh thank you. I tend to vent my spleen here...

I guess I need a therapist.

When I try to talk to people in real life about this, they look at me like I have three heads, so I tend to shut down.

[niyad]

44. You have a wide variety of therapists here! Some are even professionals,

and none of us care about your three heads. Your hatter must love you! Seriously, though, you do whatever you need to do to get and stay as healthy as you can.

[pandr32]

27. It isn't your fault.

Before you read the letter, if you decide to, remember your sister has shown you who she is. Even if she says she is sorry (could happen) you have to put it into the context of strategy. She likely wants something from you or to unload something on you.
We get who we get with family. Often we invest so many of our own hopes and dreams because we believe family is forever--bound by shared experiences, love, and belonging. It hurts when those ties are shattered, and sometimes because of dark traits or mental illness.
It isn't your fault.
If you do let her back in your life set boundaries to protect yourself going forward.
My own mother was like your sister. She dropped me for 20 years when I married and had children and spread all kinds of nonsense around so she didn't look bad. I always deserved her bad treatment. She loved adventure and excitement and no responsibility. She squandered our family inheritance from her parents that was meant to be generational. She did it because she could and she would get reckless ideas. She wanted to be at the top of everything. She was very narcissistic and bi-polar.
My sister called me to visit Mom because she had dementia and wouldn't remember me. I went and saw her several times. I was able to forgive her and let it go.
I now have a grown daughter very much like her. I love her, but she is reckless and I suspect also bi-polar. She gets angry if I bring up seeing a doctor or therapist for any reason. I include her in family things, but all of us set boundaries so she doesn't cause harm or hurt.

[LuckyCharms]

35. I think I'm probably going to just tell them off.

Maybe not, I don't know.

I had a fist raised to me during all of this fallout. They can't control their emotions.

Good ideas about setting boundaries.

I've found that you get trash canned when you are at your weakest.

Family, right?

Hang in there, pandr32.

[pandr32]

36. You, too.

Here's a hug.

[femmedem]

53. My unasked for, possibly wrong advice

is to not tell them off, at least not now when you're in physical pain and the shock of hearing from them is raw.

Fortunately, I've never had horrific disputes with, or been horribly mistreated by family. But I do have an awful neighbor who has cyberbullied me, defamed me, blasted music a foot from the property line for days on end, and placed toxic chemicals along our property line because I feed several feral, neutered, senior cats who cross her property in order to get to mine. At times, the dispute has filled me with anger and anxiety. But when I learned that not only was she the caretaker of her elderly parents, but that she was also taking care of her sister who was ill with cancer, I brought her bouquet. When she opened the door, I handed her the flowers and said, "Regardless of our dispute about the cats, I realize you've got a lot on your plate, so I wanted you to have these."

I don't know what it meant to her, but giving her flowers brought me a great sense of peace. Not that we've resolved our differences or that we'll ever be friends, but I learned that being kind will always feel better to me than lashing out.

Also, there is a middle ground between lashing out and just pretending all is fine. If the two of you ever wanted to have a real relationship, you'd probably have to talk over the past. Maybe neither of you wants that. Maybe she just wants to send you some evidence that she cares about you, without it going further. But it's a rare moment of grace on her part, which I'd hate to see met with anger, no matter how well earned.

[Grim Chieftain]

28. I am very sorry for what you are going through, LuckyCharms

I am going through much the same thing. Please know your DU family cares and we are here for you. Stay strong, reach out. You are not alone, friend.

[LuckyCharms]

30. Thank you, and I don't envy you.

I hope things work out as they should.

[Niagara]

31. I'm sorry that it took 13 years for them to reach out to you, Lucky

You're a good person and you handled it much better than I would have.

Here's to better days ahead for you!

[LuckyCharms]

32. Thanks, Niagara.

I'm in no shape to go up there, so I'm trying to figure out if I can make the drive or not.

I knew things were bubbling up. Niece has been texting the hell out of me.

[Permanut]

33. You have a huge heart, LuckyCharms..

Your post really resonates with me, and the DU community.

I've had to step back from family and other relationships, at least temporarily, because, as you say, I just don't know why people do what they do.

[Marthe48]

34. Do you have to read it?

I have letters I haven't read because I don't want to.

[hay rick]

37. Sadly familiar story to me.

I have drifted apart from multiple family members. The chasm opened up by mutual consent. On my side I couldn't pretend that their support or even tolerance of Trump was ok. Conversations on the topic always ended up adversarial and unproductive. I think I'm right but also feel guilty. I still love them, I suppose, I just can't tolerate them for any period of time.

[OldBaldy1701E]

52. Yep.

Regarding certain relatives, I always say the same thing.

"I love my relative. But, I don't like them."

Unfortunately, that phrase is all too common, and it applies to both sides of my family.

I am not sure which is worse. Being the 'black sheep' of the family, or being practically nonexistent to them.

[Marie Marie]

40. The most valuable life lesson (and apparently - the one that took forever for me to learn) that I keep

in my coping arsenal is this. When I am confronted by other's hurtful behavior, I immediately remind myself not to take their behavior personally. People do what they do because that is who they are. A therapist that I was seeing for a short stint during a rough patch in my life had this sign in her office: NOTHING IS EVER PERSONAL. Letting that finally sink deep into my brain was so freeing. I get up every day and make a conscious choice to try to be the best that I can be and let others make their own choices on how to go through life. Wish I had absorbed that simple wisdom years ago but I guess we get it when we get it. Stay YOU Lucky, we love ya like ya are!!

[LuckyCharms]

42. The thing is...

I'm getting shit-talked to people I care about by this sibling.

So then I have to explain exactly what happened to the people that are hearing all the lies.

It's exhausting.

[Donkees]

45. 8 Ways Emotionally Intelligent People Deal With Toxic People

Being forgiving comes with being emotionally intelligent. It leaves you unburdened by the mistakes of others and gives you peace of mind. It doesn’t require you to forget whom to trust. It lets you stop wasting energy on those you cannot trust.

https://www.score.org/centralvalley/resource/blog-post/8-ways-emotionally-intelligent-people-deal-toxic-people

[womanofthehills]

46. Good advice- people who have personality disorders always take things personally

It’s good to be zen and not reactive to others. It’s also called cognitive behavioral therapy - your choice how to react. There is a woman in my larger friend group who loves to criticize people- she has a mean streak. A couple of times she’s attacked me and I just remind myself she does it to others. I give her no reaction and change the subject because it’s obvious she has a personality disorder.

Albert Ellis, the father of cognitive behavioral therapy says why be shocked when a neurotic behaves like a neurotic.

[snot]

47. That must have hurt terribly.

Last edited Sat Nov 1, 2025, 08:07 PM - Edit history (1)

That said, I'm fortunate in having a good friend in my sister, but when our mother died, we wanted to strangle each other.

The death of a parent tends to make the offspring temporarily insane (regardless of whether or not they had a good relationship with her).

[3catwoman3]

48. Such a sad thread. I was the older of two kids. My brother, 3 years younger, died when he was only 23...

...in a scuba diving adventure gone awry. I was 26. We were very close, and I think it unlikely that we would ever have become estranged.

It always makes me sad when I hear about siblings who have fallen out, even for very valid reasons. It seems like such a waste of what should be a good relationship.

My sympathies to all of you who do not have nourishing relationships with your siblings.

[RussBLib]

56. welcome to DU

...I think

[LuckyCharms]

57. Absolutely not.

I'm not really sure what you are saying either.

Welcome to DU. Enjoy your stay.

[Tikki]

58. As cold as this may sound either 'return to sender' or throw it in the trash unopened.

What could they possibly say in the letter that will change anything.
Take care of #1.

Tikki

[LuckyCharms]

59. I opened it.

It was a card, with some words of encouragement and a prayer card.

They are reaching out.

I did not respond.

[irisblue]

60. Dear friend, just hugs, I don't have advice, just cyber hugs

[LuckyCharms]

61. Thank you, irisblue.

Everything is alright. I'm ignoring them.