Not doing well right now.

[OldBaldy1701E]

Not that anyone should care, but I am. Last night, I was removing the bandage from the FUCKING FOOT WOUND THAT I HAVE HAD FOR FIVE FUCKING MONTHS AND IT WON'T HEAL and the sticky part peeled back some of the skin on my foot. I did not notice this, thanks to not having any feeling in my feet, until I saw the FUCKING BLOOD ALL OVER THE CARPET! (We rent.) Instead of going to bed I was up past midnight cleaning up the mess.

Today, I learned that my husband is going to drop his insurance because we cannot afford to have both of us covered. Let me tell you, it is such a great feeling to know that you are the cause of all of the horror he is going through. I am having other issues as well, and there is no relief in sight.

I cannot be productive to anyone, including myself, and I cannot continue to be the agent of destruction for my husband.

I have some serious thinking to do.

[Attilatheblond]

1. (((hug))) and understanding the quandry

[OldBaldy1701E]

11. Thanks. (n/t)

[SheltieLover]

2. Hugs to you and healing vibes on the way to you and your husband

[OldBaldy1701E]

12. Thank you. (n/t)

[Bernardo de La Paz]

3. Don't overthink. Worry about the things that need worrying, which are the things you can change, can improve.

When you think of something you can do, do it or prepare to do it. Doing is good. Worrying about things that you can actually affect is good worry.

When you run out of things that you can change, let go. Don't worry about what you can't change. Take little pleasures when you can.

If you can talk to people, do that. At least DU is a little bit of outlet.

[OldBaldy1701E]

13. The DU is the only outlet I have.

My issue is that I cannot think of anything other than the fact that the world would be a better place without me.

Pleasure? It will take me some time to try and remember when I last had that feeling. Because, it has not really happened in the last decade for sure.

It is the things that I cannot change that are conspiring to create the situation that I am in. Those things are why I am seen as a waste of time and worthless. Those things are destroying the nation that (one side of) my family came over to help create 375 years ago. Let go? One of my pet peeves is the way that some people walk through life seemingly able to ignore the reality around them. 'Letting go' just looks to me like a person who is unwilling to face the reality of existence in the USA these days. So, 'letting go' is very tough for me, especially when most of what is going on is by choice, not by circumstance.

As to my own situation... let me be frank. I failed. I failed in life, I failed in trying to be successful in the only profession I was ever good at. I failed to be a mindless wage slave, and I failed at being a productive anything. I spent 43 years on one profession (performing), 16 years at the second (land surveying), and almost a decade in the third (working at a school). All failed. And the irritating thing about it all? In some instances, my road to failure was laid by others. Did they suffer any consequences for their actions/inactions? Nope. How is one supposed to believe in justice when they are surrounded by those who are able to dance around it while mocking it. I sure paid the price for my choices and my failure. What about those who facilitated it? Nothing? Exactly. There is no justice in this nation, it is just whether or not you can pay enough to stay away from it. That is a major thing to change around here. However, I do not see much to indicate that real justice will ever be practiced here.

I failed because the simple fact remains that our society has no use for someone like me, other than as a wage slave. I loathe that in our society. We have been brainwashed to believe that we can do anything. That has proven to be such a lie that I cannot even think about it without seething. In today's USA, you are either rich, or slowly killing yourself to make someone else rich. I am not a fan of either, to be honest.

I apologize, I was not trying to write a creed or anything. As I stated, I do not have anyone else around here to speak to about anything. I have even tried a few 'crisis' hotlines, and all I get is pablum and irritation that their words did not make me immediately feel that life was roses and I was capable of anything. The concept of sitting in a metropolitan area of half a million people and I cannot find one person to connect with is just mind boggling. Either I am really a bad person to be around (which I will not dispute, even as I don't really see it compared to some of the people I have been around in my life), or the entire world has 'moved on' from a washed up actor/writer/director/producer/designer/singer/musician/editor/engineer/educator/mentor. Hell, with AI doing what it is doing, there may not be any more people like me since a programmer can now do all of that with a machine.

It would not be the first time my presence signaled the end of something. Every band I formed broke up. Every band I joined either broke up or kicked me out because I didn't not look like a 25 year old Frank Sinatra or a Robert plant. (At the time, your physical appearance was one of the biggest parts of being in modern music. Just ask Christopher Cross about it. He was on top of the world right when MTV was starting to become the powerhouse that it was. So, of course, every single musical act had to make a video for the channel, or you were not seen as 'relevant'. HE made one for 'Sailin' which was him doing the song live. Once people actually saw the guy [a round, bearded, short dude], his sales and popularity plummeted.) The fact remaining is that he was a musician and a singer. Who cares what he looked like? Well, thanks to the programming that was in full swing at that time, we were taught that band members were all supposed to be very handsome and thin and have long, flowing hair and so on. So, he went from seating 30,000 to playing clubs solely because his physical appearance was more important than his music ability. Remember, he was a singer and musician. Not a fucking model.

Damnit, I did it again! Sorry, I really need to try and stem the floodgates right now. Thanks for responding and listening.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

19. No apology needed. You want some mental health? FIND some pleasures. And beware of self-fulfilling prophecies.

You are where you are. No need to apologize for that.

But if you want health, you need to drop the "my presence signaled the end of something". (Easier said than done, but needs to be done.) And ditch the "failed" narrative. (Also easier said than done.) Getting here in the here and now is not failure. You have faced many headwinds and are not giving yourself sufficient credit.

I do not for a minute believe pleasure "has not really happened in the last decade for sure." You know what gives you little pleasures. A taste. Maybe a cat video. A dandelion seed in the wind. A little trill of notes. I don't know, but you do know. Make it a priority to make time to make and take a little pleasure. Don't worry about trying to remember past pleasures. You know your little pleasures in the here and now.

The negative thoughts? Don't fight them. Say "Hello. We've met before." and then get back to the task at hand without dwelling on them. Dropping the negative narratives will only happen by gently dropping dropping them each time they arise without rancour and anger just because one arose. Simply drop them each time without fighting and without complaining or worrying that they came back. They will come back millions of times. You can drop them millions of times. The more times you fight them the more times they come back. The more times you drop them them less they will come back.

I bet you do not meditate. Meditation is emptying the mind. Watch your breathing for ten minutes. Just sit and watch without judging it or analyzing it. That helps you do activities big and small without the inner critic. Yes, evaluation is important, but not second by second. Old dogs can't learn new tricks. Learn this new trick. It's not hard but it takes repetition. Do not give up. You will fail at it until you succeed, but you will succeed if you keep doing it. Ten minutes a day until you get better at it. Don't worry about failing. It is necessary for success. Success is not total elimination of the inner critic. Success is letting go of it every time it wants to seize control. I don't meditate because I know how (last time I did was over a year ago and was three hours). I cultivate a meditative state of mind while doing dishes and shopping and a myriad of other activities. Just do the thing that needs doing without self criticism, without self evaluation, without negativity. Just do everything one little step at a time. Get the dishwater to something approximating the right temperature without criticizing the temperature.

Every time you fail at stopping the self criticism, at stopping the woe is me narrative, don't worry. Just pick up the task at hand and continue doing it. Practice does not make perfect but it makes better.

You are stronger than you realize.

[Srkdqltr]

4. I don't know what to say because nothing is adequate. Just know my heart goes out to you. Hugs.

[OldBaldy1701E]

14. Thanks. (n/t)

[pandr32]

5. The struggle is real for so many.

None of this should be happening. All people, and especially in our resource-rich country, should be able to afford healthy diets, have excellent health care, and have access to help when we need it.
Please hang on! This nightmare will end at some point. Some wonderful people are fighting with everything they’ve got.
Hugs.

[OldBaldy1701E]

15. Thank you.

The struggle is real.

The reasons behind them are lunacy. THAT is partly why I am so despondent. The only reason these things have not been corrected is because of the people who are 'riding the wave' and they don't want to part with their own power and position just to save the country.

Wild, eh?

[Maraya1969]

6. I truly wish you much better health in the future.

[OldBaldy1701E]

16. Thank you.

I don't have a future, but I wish things would be better for those who do.

[Bozvotros]

7. I care and I'm sure many others here do too.

I know something about being stuck with a sickness that won't heal, although it's hard to imagine the horror of seeing your foot bleeding and falling apart after four months. I found myself in the invalid role multiple times in the last 6 years and it was very challenging not to mention depressing as hell at times. Most of my life I had been stubbornly sometimes stupidly independent. Then sepsis and sudden kidney failure changed everything. I could not go back to work and I was not even safe to be alone. I had adult children who wanted to help but I didn't want to burden them. I went through a protracted painful divorce that ate up all of my savings. Doctors found more things wrong with me and I felt more out of control than ever in my life. I had more that a few "I'd be better off dead days." For every step towards getting better there seemed to be two more setting me back. I am not sure how I got through it. I know I had people who cared about me and that made things bearable and better. One day about 18 months ago I got word that I could get a transplant. I can't tell you how much better my life has been since. I am hoping for the best for you and that one day your dark days will be in the past. I remember at one time hyperbaric chamber treatments could be very helpful for wounds that are hard to heal. Maybe there is one near you. Best of luck and healing to you.

[OldBaldy1701E]

17. "For every step towards getting better there seemed to be two more setting me back."

And for some of us, it is more like an inch forward, and a plane flight five thousand miles back.

Believe it or not, my concern is not my being better off, it is the fact that my husband and the world would be. My whole point is to stop being a burden on anyone or anything. With my current health situations, that is now impossible. And, since I am not rich, there is no wealth to compensate for that burden.

Also I don't see the need to suffer unnecessarily, And, that is what I am doing every day now. The world does not give two shits about anyone who fails, especially at life. I failed. So, why continue to use up resources that are dwindling even as we speak? There are those people who will make a difference, who will do great things.

I just need to get out of the way. Doesn't that make sense?

[Bozvotros]

23. I hear you.

Suffering with severe chronic pain and/or debilitating illness showing no signs of remittance can be unbearable, particularly when you have very limited support or finances and you can see how your suffering is affecting others you love. I strongly believe in people having the right to die and the ability to decide when life becomes too painful, burdensome and/or hopeless to go on. I cannot decide that point for anyone other than myself. I also believe there are fates worse than death, such as lingering in a coma with very limited signs of brain function or being too demented and confused to recognize or connect with loved ones or participate meaningfully in your own care. I made these and other conditions clear in a very specific advance directive or living well. I sent it to both of my sons and discussed it with both of them. It includes a statement that in the event my state approves euthanasia and I am unconscious or unable to participate in treatment and my condition is very unlikely to improve, I wish to avail myself of that service. They nearly had to make the call to withhold care when I fell into a coma a year and a half ago. I'm glad I made it out. My transplant came 8 months later. I hope you can let your husband and anyone else important to you, know how you feel and what you want. I'm hoping for you to get some relief soon and sending healing thoughts your way.

[questionseverything]

8. If you and hubby are on the same Obama care plan

Him dropping his coverage won’t change the price, at least it didn’t for us when i turned 65, and switched to Medicare

I hope something good happens for you!

[OldBaldy1701E]

18. No, his insurance comes from his employer.

My husband is not exactly a financial wiz, but then again, neither am I. He got insurance for me a while back and then decided to get some for him through his employer. We are looking into things now, since it is open enrollment time, but the fact remains that we don't have the money for any of it. We are barely able to pay our rent. Plus, the company my husband works for is all but headed for closure. Then, I have no idea what will happen. I know he is suffering from things just as much as I am. But, most of that is because of me.

Of course, one has to be a financial genius to exist beyond survival mode in this country. I always found that to be funny. I was always good with electronics. I often had to repair things for others, and sometimes it was something so simple and easy, it was obvious that the person just did not want to mess with it. Doing so would save them money in the fact that being able to do simple repairs is sensible to anyone's budget. Yet, people generally did not want to learn that. And, we as a culture think nothing of it. However, for my entire life, I have been expected to figure out the intricacies of finance and I am basically ridiculed if I do not. None of that means anything to me, yet it is the ONLY thing that means anything in this country. When the dictionary defines 'outisder' it has a picture of me beside it.

Which is yet another reason why I am done. Oil and water. We just don't mix. And, I am tired of trying to do so.

[Irish_Dem]

9. This is exactly how the bastards want us to feel.

Like suckers and losers.
Like useless eaters who deserve nothing.
Like we are just a waste of space and taking up resources belonging to everyone else.

[OldBaldy1701E]

20. You understand that, for me, 'the bastards' are the rich in this country.

Which makes me a fucking pariah, since most people worship them to the point of self destruction.

I could never do that, and so I am not worth a grain of salt to them. I don't feel like a sucker. I feel like a discarded piece of trash.

I only feel like a loser when I measure using our current societal model. Which is why I advocate for it to change. Now.

However, my feelings on those who play that game... well...there are the suckers and losers. And, they are the ones in charge.

The programming worked. We let the insane become the envied.

[Irish_Dem]

22. You are worth more than the whole damn power elite combined.

You know that.

[OldBaldy1701E]

25. Which, unfortunately, doesn't help me one bit.

Even if it might be true.

[summer_in_TX]

10. Big hugs to you both, Dalton.

I am so very sorry that you and Wren are in such straits. I am worried about the foot wound, and am sure you are too. Hope you are able to get the wound care you need. I wish I could offer more than prayers for you two.

[OldBaldy1701E]

21. Thanks.

It was inevitable. Decent people are always the stepping stones to the decadent.

But, we won't change that. Because that would mean some of us would not be as wealthy and as well placed in society as we once were. And, I guess that is more important than changing things for the better.

[summer_in_TX]

24. While I expect things to get worse, I do have hope

That once we have restored democracy, we will construct something better than we had before.

It’ll take a lot of work, of course. In the meantime, it will be awful.

[biophile]

27. You have worth and your life is worth living

You didn’t fail. Circumstances may have been difficult but you did not fail. You gave an effort and your time and energy. Just showing up is half the battle! Maybe that didn’t lead to great success but lack of significant success doesn’t equal failure- lots of room in between!
Lots of things suck right now but life is worth living. Unless you are in intractable pain with no solution, please keep on keeping on.

[OldBaldy1701E]

29. Well, that is one of the issues.

I am in 'intractable' pain. They could give me pain medication, but they won't. I have no real idea why, but I do have a theory.

So, I am missing just under half of my teeth. I cannot afford to address this, because the dental profession has decided to be very precious about its practices. I suspect that, when I go to the doctor, they see this and decide I must be some kind of drug addict. Which is always hysterical to me, as I usually equate bad dental hygiene with mental health issues or just being poor (like myself). I guess they do not see it that way, probably because they keep denying me anything. I also feel that it is the fact that they don't want to 'say that quiet part out loud'. Which is that they know I am poor, and therefore won't be making all kinds of money from me. My dental issues would cost a fortune under their pricing, and my dental insurance, like most non-rich people's insurance, is a complete joke. I cannot hope to even approach my deductible. It is a complete sham.

No, a lack of significant success is not an indicator of failure. Not being able to pay your bills, not being able to continue your pursuit of that career/life goal, not being able to support the ones you love more than anything... those do indicate it. Watching your husband slowly work himself to death while struggling to keep some kind of income going and you are stuck at home because your body is done with trying to heal or even stay alive... that indicates it. Wondering what you are going to do when your only means of transportation gives out because there will be no more cars after this one thanks to a ridiculous desire to make vehicles out of range of most of the population. (Mostly because of overloading them with nonessential bullshit that makes them massive amounts of income while you pay extra to get your radio to actually work.) Those are indications of failure.

The fact that no one has ever said anything to me about being affected by, or being inspired by, or helped through, or anything... about anything I have ever done, is a massive indication of just how completely I have failed. Across three different careers, it never happened.

That sure looks like failure to me.

[Historic NY]

26. Find a place that has a hyperbaric chamber for wounds.

HBOT therapy My foot Dr. started a program at a local hospital for the exact reason you have.

[Karadeniz]

28. Damnation !!!!