Well, I shouldn't do this
I have a lot of projects needing prompt attention and my own fading timeline. But for some reason I became compelled to do this awful thing(with apologies to the deceased Alfred Jarry and Christopher Marlowe). I just offer as far as I am. In writing plays all the real editing comes in the execution, but without that unlikely event- which would get me deported to Guantamo- I hope someone understands this anyway. Any complete resemblance to a certain lie-trafficking Tariffist is impurely coincidental. Please stop me.
The Comical History of King Ubu
by Alfred Maralo
"I do not sing of suckers and tools
Nor all my fans, fantastic fools,
The House destroyed. Just close the schools!
There never has been, nor will you see
As great a man as ever can be-
Just say it aloud. It must be ME.
But now it comes with my final breath,
Vigorous and great with diet meth,
To out-deal the cards of Mister Death."
ACT ONE
The Oval Throne Room
UBU: (Loud and long fart) Fantastic! What a tough day and I still don't get the respect I am entitled to. But I will! Esteban! Get over here...NOW! Wait, you're not Esteban.
ESTEBAN # 2: Beside the fact you made me come over to do Esteban #1's job, he's been on the outs with you for a long time.
UBU: I don't feel well. This schedule is killing me. I should be relaxing and enjoying things more, though I admit it has been a lot of fun getting things done and done right! Unlike all my predecessors.
ESTEBAN #2: Thanks to your contract with Lucky Lucifer we can do anything!
UBU: I can do anything. But I am a little worried. My heart has been skipping a beat lately which it only did before when...someone young was around. I am beginning to worry I may have to actually honor the agreement before I am done. It DOES say I must be satisfied. My lawyers were pretty clear about that. Were they not, Mere Ubu?
MERE UBU: (wearily) If you say so. God knows, you only hear what you want to.
UBU: Don't mention that Name!
MERE UBU: Oh, God?
UBU: I have felt bad about dying before, but now with all this stress it all comes down to the last big Deal. For my soul. I will not be cheated by Death or anyone else. I've been bargaining all my life with no help from anyone else. No one has done it better, certainly not that sucker and loser the Devil. No, it is time to turn to God and see if I can get past this hard work with my legacy and soul intact. Just watch me.
MERE UBU: (aside) What? Go up in smoke like the Devil dispensing with stolen votes?
PERE UBU: Get that Pope of ours over here now! He can get me what I want. It's all written in my Bible so he has to help me get to Heaven!
ESTEBAN #2: The red phone, Sire! Ow, it's a little warm to the touch.
UBU: Idiot! Don't pick up...oh all right. Hand it here. (He puts on asbestos oven mitt, holds phone carefully away from a bandaged ear) Uh-huh, the problem? The contract? Talk to my lawyers...yes, the ones alive of course. Oh, yeah? I'll see YOU in court! They have to listen to me. I'm the King... Contract? What contract?... Signed in MY blood? I doubt it. I'll have my FBI guy do a DNA test on it... Stick to your own job and you'll get plenty of business because of me. Oh yeah? Well, I'll see you in Hell first!" (slams phone down, looks around)
Well, what?"
ESTEBAN#2: The white phone is ringing!
UBU: That Pope guy! About damn time! I might need him. I think I may have misspoke just now.
ESTEBAN#2: N-n-n-n-ot the Pope. I think...I believe...
UBU: Gimme that phone! Why is it every great man is surrounded by idiots? Hello, this is the King. Oh, not the Pope then...a messenger? Is this some kind of threat? I just deal with the top or else talk to my lawyers first...OK, I can listen a bit if it's an offer...Just a second...Will someone pour a bucket of ice on the red phone? It looks like it's going to explode. Yeah, could be an assassination attempt! The freezer is down the hall! Utterly surrounded here. I said, just a second! What's the urgency?
A. BLONDEBOT: (Enters in a rush, sees Mere Ubu, falters, recovers, bows): Sire, Missus Ubu!
UBU: What? I said I don't want to be interrupted, and I don't miss Mere Ubu. She's right here!
MERE UBU: That's LADY Ubu! And it should be Queen or Your Majesty.
UBU: Shut up. What is it, MISS Boundblot?
A. BLONDEBOT: The internets are buzzing with a new meme accusing you of incontinence..incompetence? "Ubu's booboo" is the catchphrase. it started on Twits4us.
UBU: Impossible. We own that platform. I'll text on our special site, DoubleTruth. Get me my cellphone.
ESTEBAN#2: Sire, Heaven is on the white phone...
UBU: They can just wait! ...Ooohhhh. my heart. Get me my pills and a diet soda! Longevity drugs my ass! They just give me the runs. I can't believe I am saying this, but maybe that texting will have to wait. Round up my usual bots and assign them to rebuttals, rebukes, and revenge. This is the Devil's fault. He's breaking his deal!
UBU: OK, who IS this on the line. You got two minutes. Wait. Lemme put this on speaker for my staff. Who's here by the way?
MINISTER OF SCIENCE: Will, your Science guy, Your Majesty!
UBU: Completely unnecessary...wait, you're that guy who couldn't even explain the Aquatic Equation to me- and what's it for anyway? To measure how much is left in my water bottle? You're fired. Get out of here. (Will departs hastily) Go into the washroom on your way out and see if any lawyers are hanging out in there.
WHITE PHONE: ...abriel. This about your last chance. Not everyone is privileged to know when that is.
UBU: I am not everyone. Get to it then..I have this pain!
RED PHONE: You are not seriously going to trust that guy!
UBU: Who put that on speaker? Just shut up. I'll deal with you later.
RED PHONE: We already have a deal! There's still plenty of time for your other stuff.
UBU: I am not sure if we have a deal anymore. Nothing in the contract says you can keep bugging me while I'm doing my business. I don't think I even signed it, so if you keep breaking the deal, as you call it, why should I even listen? Get lost "angel". I dealing with Numero Uno now.
WHITE PHONE: We can make a deal- to put it in terms you seem to understand.
UBU: Not another contract. Pricking my finger is very unsanitary, so unsanitary you wouldn't believe it. My minister of health could tell you stories...
WHITE PHONE: No contracts, no more oaths. Your blood is not required- or sufficient. Just salvation.
UBU: I don't think I like your tone. Are you insinuating I need saving...Hello, HELLO!
WHITE PHONE: Back again. Maybe you prefer the dial tone, but we are always here- while YOUR mortal time is running out.
UBU: Right. What's the deal? How can I move on into Heaven? Do I need to convert to some special religion, some cult? I'm not much of a follower.
WHITE PHONE: In your case, you have to accept extra time living to turn your life and some failings around. As you will see, this dispensation is just not for your sake, but for Earth as a whole. It is a narrow path and contracts with the Devil or any evildoer partner or blackmailer cannot touch you there.(RED PHONE vibrates violently)
UBU: (sweating) More time? I'll take it. I haven't signed anything but I don't like the sounds of this narrow path stuff.