Trump's fraud plan blows up in his face - Another Day - Brian Tyler Cohen

[TexasTowelie]

BTC: Donald Trump wages war on fraudsters. Finally, the Prince of Pardons is here to save us. This is just another day.

As we all know, last night major news was made. And no, I'm not talking about Benny Blanco farting on his podcast. I speak of something even more newsworthy. America once again is at war.

(cut to video of SOTU)
Trump: So tonight, although started four months ago, I am officially announcing the war on fraud to be led by our great vice president J. D. Vance.

(cut to studio)
BTC: That's right. Jebediah Dingleberry Vance will now be on the front lines leading our brave men and women as they storm every government agency on an endless quest to bring America's most ruthless swindlers, scammers, and cheats to justice. And who better tasked with such an audacious assignment than the man some say has the greatest memory of any individual on planet Earth.

(cut to video)
JD Vance: I think that's unfortunate that nobody has ever tried to take a systematic look at how much fraud there is in the federal government.

(cut to studio)
BTC: Exactly. Never before has an administration tried to tackle the issue that has so badly plagued our nation. Finally, someone is here to answer the question, where have all our taxpayer dollars gone? That's what makes this so revolutionary. For too long, these vile, greedy crooks have tried to dupe the American public into thinking that their government was working for them when in reality, it was all smoke and mirrors. An evil exercise and deception that left voters desperate for someone to step in and provide accountability. No longer will agencies like the Department of Defense be allowed to fly under the radar and not pass an audit for eight years. Those days are over.

(cut to video from Fox Business News)
Guest: Now he's announcing an historic increase in defense spending, $1.5 trillion by next year. A 50% increase from this year's Pentagon budget.

(cut to studio)
BTC: Okay. Starting now. Yes. Thankfully, we finally have an executive branch willing to stand up and say enough is enough.

(cut to video from Fox News)
JD Vance: How much has have government officials actually been complicit in this fraud? because some of them have gotten wealthy or at the least they've gotten campaign donations from the people who have gotten rich from that fraud.

(cut to studio)
BTC: I know it's truly sickening to think that while hardworking Americans try to put food on their tables and provide for their families, some people in government have been lining their pockets with cash.

(cut to video from CNN)
Anderson Cooper: It's been clear that the president and his family have been profiting hugely during Mr. Trump's first year in office. But today, the New York Times editorial board published an estimate of just how much they've raked in over the past 12 months. By their accounting, it's at least $1.4 billion. Now, that includes income from licensing Trump's name, overseas real estate projects, as well as hundreds of millions of dollars from investments in cryptocurrencies, the money that Amazon paid Melania Trump, the family for a documentary about Melania Trump.

(cut to studio)
BTC: And it was worth every cent of that $40 million because it pulled back the curtain and gave the world an inside look at the person really pulling the strings behind the scenes.

(cut to video from Melania documentary)
Trump: My proudest legacy will be that of Peacemaker.

Melania: Peacemaker and fire (garbled?).

(cut to studio)
BTC: You see, it may look like the Trump family is getting wealthy, but what's really happening is the rest of us are getting a wealth of knowledge.

But if you're concerned that this may be too challenging a task for Mr. Vance to tackle solo, not to worry. He's enlisted some of the best to help him out.

(cut to video from Fox News)
JD Vance: And the Trump administration, the president has has asked me to take a full whole government approach to trying to understand that. And and what does that mean, Bill? That means, first of all, the Department of Justice is going to be investigating and where possible, throwing fraudsters in prison.

(cut to studio)
BTC: Oh, hell yes. Shit just got real. The DOJ is about to make those spineless scumbags DOA unless, of course, they work for the DOC, CDC, or the FED, in which case it'll probably be A-OK. Okay.

Now, some of you might be sitting there saying, "Hold on. Stamping out fraud isn't merely the job of one branch of government. Shouldn't Congress be involved in this, too?" Well, you can rest easy because guys like Jim Jordan haven't retired all their wrestling moves. Because when it comes to wasting taxpayer dollars, he still knows how to pin down his opponents.

(cut to video from CNN)
Manu Raju: Should your committee look into his use of of of federal jets for personal issues?

Jim Jordan: Manu, this was as as all-American apple pie moment as possible. The…

Manu Raju: I'm talking about all this.

Jim Jordan: The American men's team, the American women's team played unbelievable hockey.

Manu Raju: No one doubts that. No one doubts it. It was a great game.

Jim Jordan: Did you see Jack Hughes's interview? Jack Hughes like he said, "I'm so proud to be an American. I'm proud of my team." It was like it was as apple pie as it gets and you guys are going to talk about Kash.

(cut to studio)
BTC: No, I know. It's like if you want to talk about fraud and government waste, go on SportsCenter. I for one agree with Jim Jordan. It is noble and patriotic to abdicate your duties as a member of Congress and the media should be ashamed of themselves putting aside their enthusiasm for an amazing moment in sports to focus on some major political news. It's the same reason I agree with Jim Jordan years ago when he was furious that the news wasn't talking about Cal Ripken Jr.'s legendary last night at Camden Yards simply because a few days later some planes hit towers.

Americans may be concerned that this whole war on fraud is too challenging a task, but today the vice president reassured us that it's much simpler than we really think.

(cut to video of SOTU)
Trump: When it comes to the corruption that is plundering really it's plundering America. There's been no more stunning example than Minnesota, where members of the Somali community have pillaged an estimated 19 billion dollars from the American taxpayer. Oh, we have all the information.

(cut to studio)
BTC: You see, we just have to do everything that we can to stop the fraud. And I know it's not up to me, but if it were, I've got some ideas where to start. Frankly, I think the first order of business would be putting an end to these government officials who are giving these fraudsters a free pass.

(cut to video from 60 Minutes)
Scott Pelley: Last month, President Trump granted a pardon to a billionaire felon after the felon's company enriched a Trump family business.

(cut to video from Morning Joe)
Mika Brzezinski: The president announced just yesterday he will fully pardon reality TV stars Todd and Julie Chrisley. The couple was found guilty in 2022 of multiple counts of financial fraud and tax evasion. Donald Trump's pardon of a man convicted of tax fraud just one month after his mother attended a major fundraiser for the president.

(cut to studio)
BTC: I'm trying to think what's worse, being an adult and getting pinched for tax fraud, or being an adult and needing your mother to get you out of it? On one hand, you're not in jail, but on the other, having your friends constantly ask you if you want to call mommy is its own kind of prison.

But isn't it nice that we can sleep easy as a nation knowing our president and his entire administration have their eyes laser focused on the real perpetrators of these heinous crimes?

(cut to video of SOTU)
Trump: When it comes to the corruption that is plundering really it's plundering America. There's been no more stunning example than Minnesota where members of the Somali community have pillaged an estimated $19 billion dollars from the American taxpayer. Well, we have all the information.

(cut to studio)
BTC: That's right. Only a fool would think that the fraud being committed by white, wealthy, billionaires in positions of power could ever hold a candle to the fraud being perpetuated by the brown people in Minnesota. Which is why we should all be so grateful that Trump is calling them out. Enough is enough when it comes to their secret Somali crypto dinners, their insider trading, and their handouts to their wealthy friends. All while healthcare, groceries, and housing becomes less affordable. It's honestly unconscionable. At some point, people have to stand up and put a stop to it. Otherwise, these Minnesota fat cats will continue to consolidate their grip on power. Personally, I think creating a culture war and placing blame on minorities is the solution that this country's been waiting for.

(cut to video)
JD Vance: Great idea. Let's do it.

(cut to studio)
BTC: Thank you.