This just flat out sucks

[2naSalit]

42. My two cents...

In addition to the wealth of good advice and knowledge shared above.

I empathize with your situation completely. My mom, who passed on New Year's Eve a year ago, had Parkinson’s and Lewy Body Dementia, she was 93+, she died from CoVid19-A before the vaccine was available.

Under agreement, my two youngest siblings gradually ended up being executor of her estate and personal care attendant. One took care of the business end and the other the daily care 90% of the time, the executor also provided care but their work made it hard to fulfill that position. The care-giver was paid by the estate for expenses and a small stipend.

One of the changing from good to bad situations was that mom lived with her long time boyfriend who was a good caregiver for a time but eventually became an obstacle to providing mom with the care she needed and somewhat abusive because he couldn't deal with her needs. But he also wouldn't let anyone but family come to the house to care for her let alone stay there and care for her. It was a more than a decade battle, I didn't have the kindest words for him at the burial.

But I digress...

My position in all of it was to be the counselor for the siblings as they endured what you are enduring. We had a pact to be open and honest about mom's condition and her care situations as they changed. I was, at least, able to help them understand that they are doing what is best within their means to keep mom safe and as healthy as possible, fed and bathed, got her PT and all that, all while dealing with her commonlaw spouse who is an ubertrumper and controlling asshole.

The thing to do with your dilemma is to,

First, give yourself a break from bashing yourself. You are 100% doing the right thing just by being there and giving a shit.

Second, this is the path you're on for now and it's good that you're looking for a map, you still have your shit together, bro.

Know that it will be over at some point and wishing for your mom to pass because she is only going further into the abyss with a one-way ticket is not bad. Her suffering is immense and wanting that to end is natural, only our culture views death as some evil thing when it is merely a portion of the cycle of life. This rationale should comfort you.

This situation will test everything you know about yourself, be strong and know that you are still able to reason but also, that some things we were led to believe just aren't so as you will find when this is all over and you review the big picture.

Your mom will not be making sense very often anymore so the best way to handle it is to determine if what she says is coherent, if not, let her go on and share her experience, it will make her feel better. Your job is to know that she's got movies going on in her mind that you can't see, she's just sharing them with you. You won't be able to reel her in to your side of the perception screen so don't hurt yourself trying, no matter if she gets nasty about you and suddenly sees you as the enemy. It fucking hurts but at that point, you know she's already moved on to the long footbridge to the other side.

I'm sorry that you are suffering this plight, it's a tough one and I send you all the light in the sky. I hope that reading these comments from your DU family will help you get through this.

Give your love to your partner, hold her dearly and be glad you have someone to hold during times like these. But don't forget to hug your mom too, she needs to know she's loved, it really will matter to her even if she can't reciprocate.