This just flat out sucks

[3Hotdogs]

58. My mom's deterioration was long and slow... 9 years in the "memory care" unit.

She always recognized me but the stress of, "When do I go home? Why doesn't my sister (dead 9 years) come to visit? What time is my father coming to take me home?"

Our responses: "Taxi will be here to take you home as soon as he gets gas in the taxi. Julie is working today but she will come to see you on Sunday. Your father is working at the post office. He will come to get you when he gets off work."

So yes, I felt and still feel guilt... "When da fuck will this be over?" The "home" was an hour's ride each way because it was the only place we could afford and we could visit once or twice a week to make sure she was O.K. Then she finally got placed into a V.A. home that was only a 30 minute ride. Lucky for me, I was/am retired.

And I'm glad she's gone. She died in 2017. And I still miss her.

You will have mixed feelings about her and yourself during all of this. It is normal. Don't beat yourself up over it.

But there were also good times... she loved kids and when we brought a baby or toddler grandchild, the world would brighten. (If your mom or dad were veterans, go the the local V.A. office and sign her up for benefits.... even if you don't expect to use it. There is supposed to be a V.A. office in every county of every state.

CONVERSATION: This is probably the most most important thing I can offer. As time goes on, you will have fewer and fewer conversations with her. An earlier post mentioned the movies going on in her head that you can't see. Try to follow those and join in and try to make sense of what she is experiencing. You will be less and less able to initiate a topic and have her follow it. We are conditioned that being with people is to engage in "back and forth" conversation. With her, it is not that dialog that she is enjoying. Rather, you just being there is what matters.

I look back at my experience with my mother's decline. I ask myself as I type this, "Was there anything I could have done better?" And I can't think of anything. When your mom leaves, it is my wish for you that you can look back and answer that question in the same way.