What happened today at my Dr's appt. Paranoia or Stigma?

[Denninmi]

Honestly, when I look at something that happened today objectively, even I have to admit that I believe my reaction is paranoia. But it sure felt otherwise.

I have had an eye problem developing since late spring, April or May. Started out as just a blurry spot in the center of my field of vision in my right eye. It has since progressed slowly but steadily to a small black hole with a fuzzy periphery in the center of my field of vision. At this point, it is more of an annoyance than a serious issue. I would say it takes up maybe 3 to 5% of my field of vision.

So, after many months and delaying it too long, I had an appointment with an opthamologist, one I had never seen before. And, of course, the obligatory "new patient" forms. Two areas that bothered me, under the circumstances -- health history and medications. Because this pre-existed my recent crisis, I saw no reason to let this opthamologist and entire staff know what I had just experienced. So, I did not list my psych meds on the form, and I kind of did a "slight of hand" on the box for Psychiatric Illness (yes or no). I made the "X" from the "no" box I checked above it for some other condition extend through the "no" box for Psych Illness. I figure it is NOT relevant to the eye problem, so why should they know?

Also, one other factor in all of this -- when I turned the forms back in, the receptionist said "oh, all of our medical records are now electronic as part of the Affordable Care Act."

Well, during the Dr's exam, the phone in the exam room rang. At first, she didn't answer it, but it continued to ring and ring. Finally, she said "I guess I better take this" and answered it. I only heard her say three words during a roughly 30 to 45 second conversation - "Oh" then part way through "Wow" and then at the end "Oh" again. "Oh, Wow, Oh." That was all she said.

Now, in all honestly, that telephone conversation could have been about ANYTHING, anything at all. Could have been personal, could have been about some other patient, could have been from a colleague about who knows what.

What immediately entered my mind -- they searched my medical records for some reason and found about the fact I just did 14 days in the psych. day program. "Oh, wow, oh" indeed. That was my thought, they "found out about me."

So, she completed that part of the exam, then sent me down the hall for an ultrasound of both eyes. When they brought me back and she gave me the results, I thought she seemed very curt. And, the ultrasound revealed nothing, no retinal tear or hole, nothing abnormal. So, I asked her what else it could be. Her answer, "I don't see anything except a small "floater" in your eye." Well, I have had "floaters" periodically, none of them ever lasted 6 months. So, I then asked her "well, what is the next step?" Answer, "just watch it". I asked, "what does that mean?" Answer, "It's a floater in your vitreous humor. We can't do anything about it, you'll just have to live with it. You'll get used to it."

And that was that. Sent on my way with no real answers and the feeling that she just wanted me the hell out of there. And no doubt a six or seven hundred dollar bill for the privilege.

So, and PLEASE level with me -- is this just paranoia on my part? Intellectually, I am sure the answer is yes. But to me, it really felt like she "knew" about my psychiatric history, recent diagnosis, and was dismissing me as "crazy" as if I were making the entire thing up, and she just wanted me to get the hell away from her.

And really, what hurts worse than this one incident, which is probably all in my head, is the fact that I feel like I am ALWAYS going to have to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, always watching what information I share with who, and always lying to protect my privacy. And that really, really sucks on about a thousand different levels.

Paranoia or Stigma? What do you think?