Feeling Useless

[BlueKota]

In the summer my sister and I always try to make the front of our house look nice. She doesn't live here but we have the house in her name because she paid to have it built on our family's old farm land(it hasn't been a actual farm since I was born), and I have chronic mental health issues. I have lifetime use.

Unfortunately I have very little coordination and though I try to help with physical upkeep I always end up screwing up. Like today I went to plant some flowers out front and when I went to get back up off the ground to move farther down I ended up, falling on my butt into the rose bushes. I have a few stinging scratches on my back, but otherwise I don't think I hurt myself. I did end up breaking my cardinal solar light and might physically hurt tomorrow.

Now don't get me wrong. I love my sister and she gives me a lot of financial support, and she's pretty much all the family I have left except a few maternal cousins. I couldn't make it without her. I do know, however, she is going to say she has to do all the work, and can't count on me for anything. It hurts to hear that. She's a lot like our late Mother that way. They both accused me of messing up on purpose so they wouldn't ask me for help again, or because I don't concentrate on what I am doing.

The first part isn't true because why would I purposefully set myself up for them to bitch at me? The second part I will admit is sometimes true but often times I can't control it. I always have maintained I have an absent minded professor brain. My mind does wander off unless it's engaged in something that hold it's interest
I excelled at subjects like History and Creative Writing , but struggled with things like math, drawing, and motor skills.

I think I was born this way and it's not my fault, and some of my teachers and therapists along the way have told me that. My Dad understood and was patient with me because he had a cousin who was apparently a lot like me, but a lot of others have agreed with my Mom and sister.

It's just hard to deal with sometimes because I don't want anyone to think I don't want to help, but I know either way, it ends up disappointing me and others around me. It seems like a never ending cycle.