Rant. Having been doing well. Self destructing :'(

[Locut0s]

What follows is a rant more than anything. Please don't feel obliged to read it. Just the act of typing and getting it out there can be somewhat cathartic.

I've been treating myself like utter shit recently to the point now where I'm worried I've developed diabetes. Over the past few months with the stress from university and concomitant depression I've been eating junk food non stop and binge drinking alcohol on weekends. This past month I've been so exhausted every day when I get home that I think I really am sick, not just depressed. I can't do ANYTHING after getting back from a day at school, just climbing the stairs exhausts the hell out of me and today I feel a bit dizzy. I'm going in for blood tests tomorrow to see what I've done to myself.

It all stems from a deep seated self hatred that is difficult for me to overcome. I'm self destructive, I know it and I really don't give a shit when deeply depressed. I guess I really should look at a change in medication again. Been taking the same SSRI for about 10 months and it doesn't seem to help that much. But I've tried 4 or 5 different ones at this point. I should also see a therapist, but the last one I saw didn't seem to be of much help. Again the real problem is trying to stop hating myself so much. You can't really start getting better till you start feeling you are worth it. No amount of talk therapy is going to help if you aren't willing to take the necessary steps required to get better yourself. And when I think as lowly as I do about myself I'm not usually able to talk myself into doing anything positive.

At any rate I suppose there is SOME good news. I've somehow managed to finish my exams for this semester. Though there is still 5 more weeks in a special projects course I have to do, I don't believe it's anything as stressful. I didn't get a job out of the Co-Op course I got into at my University but perhaps that's for the better as I need some decompression time. My birthday is tomorrow and I'm going out with the family to a nice dinner. Just got to try not to bring myself silly this weekend like I've been doing the last few weekends. Though the way I feel right now, these past few weeks really, I don't think my body can handle much more of that before shutting down on me. *Sigh*

I'm worrying the shit out of my parents and they are getting understandably angry and impatient, I frankly don't know how they have put up with me all these years (been depressed and or anxious most of my life and I'm turning 31) I certainly don't deserve to be still living off them at home at my age. I frankly don't know what keeps me going except the thought that I'd devastate my parents I've I took a rain check on my life. As hard as I've been on them I couldn't do that. Still I'm broken and don't seem to fit in anywhere in
this world. Sure I'm fairly above average intelligence wise (or so people keep telling me), a lot of good that does me when every avenue I turn down looks like dead end. How am I going to make it in the world when just getting through each day at school is a Sisyphean feat? Life's supposed to be fun not a perpetual game of "Stress Russian Roulette", there's no bullet in the chamber but you don't know that and every day you have to pull the trigger.

Anyway sorry for this turgid mess of a rant. I'm just exacerbated, exhausted and at my wits end. Who knows maybe the coming weeks of less work will turn my mood a bit.