Just wanted to share a little something (depression)

[JonLP24]

I've been diagnosed w/ depression, anxiety & everything that comes w/ it. Plus, I'm hypoglycemic so whenever I do low-blood sugar symptoms I'm nervous(first thing I notice right away), fatigued, mental confusion, horrible short-term memory, light headed-faint feeling. Usually pretty much it but w/ a 110 degree day that I was outside from entirely from 11am to 4pm w/ 1 hour spend indoors w/ covering 2 miles here, 2 miles there, indoors, 2 miles there, etc. I got pretty much all the low-blood sugar symptons including these horrible stomach cramps and nauseated.

That is pretty much else, I never really get screened for anything I don't know that I may or may not have. The hypoglycemic thing that got discovered was by luck. I haven't had physical check-ups since I was in the military, I've been to 6-different hospitals (ER bad choice for anything mental) trying to figure out what is wrong w/ me. I'm otherwise functional and normal but I have moments where I'm not smart at all and I often leave that impression (Ever since I started explaining the hypoglycemic thing, still does little to change their assumptions of me). A couple of others guessed I had ADD/ADHD (because of the short-term memory loss, confusion) but there is no way that I am. I'm familiar w/ what it is and know I don't have it.

That is some background to better make sense of what I want to say. Now in recent years I built up quite a shell that in a way protects me from getting hurt so I can deal w/ a lot. I usually have a good time, let stuff roll off me, and make it through the day.

But then there are days, especially when I'm dealing w/ a lot of stress (it is easier for most people than me to let them know they're stressed out and get supporting feedback) then when I'm around people, especially people I consider friends that diss me(jokes) all day, all the different people I run into during the day, plus it feels like the hottest day of the year, and you still don't know what to do w/ the stress but you're also dealing w/ the fact that your miserable but you're treated like you don't have a right to be a miserable over what is causing me to feel miserable which causes me to feel miserable over that idea alone. (I second guess what I should do and act all-the-time but also have feelings -- to explain if the miserable, can't(figuratively) be miserable... didn't make since).

Those days it feels like why do you keep trying when I get a reality check I'm no where near who I used to be from a mental health standpoint that why do you keep forcing myself through the days. Day like today I had a suicide feeling just for a moment but nothing too serious as I never really even get close to having impulses. But I move on and chug through the days.

Those days remind how truly bad I hurt inside even though I built up a way to not care about it. I can't even get jealous anymore, I just don't care but I also rarely come across someone that I find true, straight-forward and just wants you for you and stars don't align--but I wouldn't get jealous because I wouldn't have a reason too--instead my usual prospects would openly (or not very discreetly) start up other relationships and it doesn't bother me at all. It is useful information, I don't even want a relationship at-this-stage but then someone will make a diss that you're not w/ anything they ever seen (and they known you more than a few months) but it is hard because they don't understand I can easily live without relationship if it means no bullshit. It actually saddens me because I could get very jealous w/ my first real and longest lasting (no other comes nowhere near close) but it meant that I cared. I put so much time, energy, emotion into it that when it ended I was spent. I was actually real down for awhile(didn't want to do anything or see anybody), it is when I started to live again is when my problems started.

That is pretty much it, I sometimes wonder if I'm absolutely crazy but it makes sense to me, please give any feedback. Trust me, I don't have a release at all out there and would really appreciate any type of support or advice or anything. Anything really. Thanks.