It's been six years since I can tell I've been depressed...

[fujiyama]

I went on a hike last weekend with some friends. I felt great that day and even maybe a day or two later. But the depression is like a stalking horse (it reminds me of those horse in the Lord of the Rings). It just came and knocked me right back down again. By Friday I was back to my usual self - bitter and depressed as usual - on the inside of course. Seemingly minor triggers will kick me down.

I've had some incredibly negative thoughts recently. It has been this way for some six years and I can't address it. in ways I almost don't want to address it. It almost feels like I'd be falsely covering up the pain I am supposed to feel. In recent months, I feel like it has become much worse. It is seemingly ironic as I have a job that pays more than ever before. I have little debt. I'm surrounded by great friends, who I know actually care for me. I have family a call away.

But I feel increasingly like a zombie. I go to work. I socialize with friends. I fake a lot of smiles. I feel alien to this world knowing I'm unable to build any sort of real physical or intimate relationship which is probably all I want and it feels like something I just cannot have. I feel like I live in a bubble.

I really do not know how many more years I can go on like this. Like many that are depressed, the depression is the cart not the horse (wtf is it with me and horse analogies?). I know I won't do anything drastic anytime soon. I'll drag myself out through this misery day after day, watching months and years fade on a calendar. The world will move on. And I'll be in same (or worse) mental and physical state.