Mourning the death of my former husband (father of my 3 kids).

[Lulu KC]

4. It is a special form of grief

I realized after a person died that in my unconscious mind I'd been fantasizing that he would make a deathbed apology. When, of course, that didn't happen, I felt bitterness off and on for months. I had not seen it coming. I thought I was so over the pain and was amazed by how much I'd been carrying around unconsciously. I had to write, write, write to get it out. If a picture of this individual passes by I still feel a peculiar feeling but it's lost its sharpness and it's blended into the "there are more shades of grey than black and white" awareness, since of course there were happy memories, too. It's been a year.
I think it's normal, but until you've experienced it, it just sounds totally irrational. Our hearts know and sometimes they just have to work things out in their own way.