Democrats Scrap Primary System, Appoint Hillary Clinton as Nominee

[whereisjustice]

Last edited Sun Mar 1, 2015, 09:39 PM - Edit history (1)

WASHINGTON -- Calling the primary system “biased and unreliable” the Democratic National Committee announced today that it is eliminating the old fashioned ballot based system used to nominate Democrats for the general presidential election.

Reached for comment, DNC’s Debbie Wasserman Shultz explained that primaries confuse voters who are generally unaccustomed to critical thinking and decision making. “Rather than bewilder people with so many choices on Election Day, we’ve narrowed down the field so voters can choose a winning candidate every time. It’s an enormous boost to people’s self-esteem knowing they have picked the best possible candidate.”

Indeed, the new process revealed by Wasserman Shultz appears to be a major simplification. Dollar bills of various denominations are collected from rank and file subjects and assembled into a large pile. During a sacred midnight ceremony, the Highest Lama, festooned in gilded robes, lights the pile on fire. As crackling orange flames leap high into the sky, a committee of Lesser Lamas studies the resultant smoke, paying close attention to its prevailing direction, inevitably pointing to the Northeast. The Highest Lama ruminates day and night as Lesser Lamas stoke the blaze with dollar bills. The ceremony continues until a reincarnate Clinton appears in a vision, a state known as the golden enlightenment.

From there, the candidate’s spiritual awakening begins with lessons from monks of Goldmanvishnu. During this time the candidate gives up all worldly principals in order to achieve a Zen state of maximal pragmatism known as The Third Way.

Wasserman Shultz is confident the new candidate will bring needed change. “America is Ready for Her Holiness to Complete Her Spiritual Ascension ™.”

For blue ink concerners, here's the link:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1277&pid=4381