Not doing well right now.

[OldBaldy1701E]

13. The DU is the only outlet I have.

My issue is that I cannot think of anything other than the fact that the world would be a better place without me.

Pleasure? It will take me some time to try and remember when I last had that feeling. Because, it has not really happened in the last decade for sure.

It is the things that I cannot change that are conspiring to create the situation that I am in. Those things are why I am seen as a waste of time and worthless. Those things are destroying the nation that (one side of) my family came over to help create 375 years ago. Let go? One of my pet peeves is the way that some people walk through life seemingly able to ignore the reality around them. 'Letting go' just looks to me like a person who is unwilling to face the reality of existence in the USA these days. So, 'letting go' is very tough for me, especially when most of what is going on is by choice, not by circumstance.

As to my own situation... let me be frank. I failed. I failed in life, I failed in trying to be successful in the only profession I was ever good at. I failed to be a mindless wage slave, and I failed at being a productive anything. I spent 43 years on one profession (performing), 16 years at the second (land surveying), and almost a decade in the third (working at a school). All failed. And the irritating thing about it all? In some instances, my road to failure was laid by others. Did they suffer any consequences for their actions/inactions? Nope. How is one supposed to believe in justice when they are surrounded by those who are able to dance around it while mocking it. I sure paid the price for my choices and my failure. What about those who facilitated it? Nothing? Exactly. There is no justice in this nation, it is just whether or not you can pay enough to stay away from it. That is a major thing to change around here. However, I do not see much to indicate that real justice will ever be practiced here.

I failed because the simple fact remains that our society has no use for someone like me, other than as a wage slave. I loathe that in our society. We have been brainwashed to believe that we can do anything. That has proven to be such a lie that I cannot even think about it without seething. In today's USA, you are either rich, or slowly killing yourself to make someone else rich. I am not a fan of either, to be honest.

I apologize, I was not trying to write a creed or anything. As I stated, I do not have anyone else around here to speak to about anything. I have even tried a few 'crisis' hotlines, and all I get is pablum and irritation that their words did not make me immediately feel that life was roses and I was capable of anything. The concept of sitting in a metropolitan area of half a million people and I cannot find one person to connect with is just mind boggling. Either I am really a bad person to be around (which I will not dispute, even as I don't really see it compared to some of the people I have been around in my life), or the entire world has 'moved on' from a washed up actor/writer/director/producer/designer/singer/musician/editor/engineer/educator/mentor. Hell, with AI doing what it is doing, there may not be any more people like me since a programmer can now do all of that with a machine.

It would not be the first time my presence signaled the end of something. Every band I formed broke up. Every band I joined either broke up or kicked me out because I didn't not look like a 25 year old Frank Sinatra or a Robert plant. (At the time, your physical appearance was one of the biggest parts of being in modern music. Just ask Christopher Cross about it. He was on top of the world right when MTV was starting to become the powerhouse that it was. So, of course, every single musical act had to make a video for the channel, or you were not seen as 'relevant'. HE made one for 'Sailin' which was him doing the song live. Once people actually saw the guy [a round, bearded, short dude], his sales and popularity plummeted.) The fact remaining is that he was a musician and a singer. Who cares what he looked like? Well, thanks to the programming that was in full swing at that time, we were taught that band members were all supposed to be very handsome and thin and have long, flowing hair and so on. So, he went from seating 30,000 to playing clubs solely because his physical appearance was more important than his music ability. Remember, he was a singer and musician. Not a fucking model.

Damnit, I did it again! Sorry, I really need to try and stem the floodgates right now. Thanks for responding and listening.